Fifty years ago this morning I woke up as a 19 year old young man. By the end of the day, I was the husband of the young lady with whom I had spent the previous two years falling in love. We were very young; many, I'm sure, felt that we were too young. But 50 years ago, marriage of a couple 18 or 19 years old was commonplace, not unusual at all.
We had no idea, or even an inkling of where our journey would take us or how long we would be together. But, we did take our vows seriously, without even a consideration of the possibility that we could, at any time we desired, call the whole thing off. We entered into the union, even at that young age, expecting our lives together to be "till death parts us."
As I reflect on our 50 years together, and observe the change in the minds of so many couples as they approach marriage, I perceive that the mindset in our culture today seems to be that nothing is permanent, not even a marriage covenant is binding for life.
Having officiated at many weddings over the years in ministry, I have observed what seems to be of most importance on the minds and hearts of many of the couples. Focus is on the wedding; the dress, the tuxes, the cake, the reception, the DJ, the flowers, the honeymoon, and a hundred other details to make the day perfect. With all the attention to all these details, I am sure I have never witnessed a wedding which went off perfectly as expected and planned.
Even during premarital counseling sessions, if left to themselves, most couples focus on the wedding as if that were the preview of the bliss on which they would ride through the years of their marriage.
As couples approach marriage, the wedding is important, but the determination to work toward making the marriage a life together which will honor God (Who, in fact, created and ordained marriage).
Some may say we shouldn't have to "work" to make our marriage what it ought to be. We should just let it happen. If we are meant to be together, all will be well. If not, then we end it and move on. But, in reality, does anything grow and gain strength and flourish without putting forth efforts to make it happen? No, it takes that concentrated effort on the part of both parties to see the marriage grow to the point where the husband and the wife have become one. This does not mean that each of them always agrees with the other. It doesn't mean that each cannot follow their own interests. It does mean that when there is disagreement, acceptance of the other's opinion and feelings is considered. It means that the couple, individually, looks to a solution which will strengthen the bond between them rather than allow that issue to become a point of argument periodically throughout the marriage.
Now, all that said, I do not intend to put forth the misconception that the marriage between Sandy and myself has been perfect, without flaw, without disagreement. But, I can tell you why we have remained as one for 50 years.
Most of the time we I think we were not truly aware that we were building a life together which would lead us to stronger bonds and love now, fifty years later, than we knew and experienced when we were young and though we could never experience any greater love. I believe we practiced respect for the other. I believe that whatever we set out to do, whether together or individually, we first considered how that action would affect the other.
By the way, regarding the harmony which has existed between Sandy and myself, she would say that the reason for that was that she got me young enough to train me the way she wanted me to be.
We have gone through many transitions in our years together. Career changes, they have been aplenty. First intention for me was to finish college and teach history. So, I began working in the accounting department of a major aluminum company. After nine years, I believed God was calling me to return to college to study in preparation to entering the ministry. So, at the age of 31, married (12 years by that time), parents of two young daughters of 10 and 4 years old, we sold our home and moved to Knoxville Tennessee so that I could begin my study. This was a huge transition for our family, but small in comparison to the actual move to begin to serve in a pastoral ministry with the churches. The transition was, of course, more difficult on Sandy and Kim and Kassie than on me.
After all, I was supposed to be there. God had called me, but they had to work harder to understand that and to accept this new life. Sandy didn't marry a preacher. She had no reason to believe her quiet, shy, slow to speak husband would ever find himself serving as a preacher, or that she would be expected to fill the role of preacher's wife. But, she had followed me every where I felt the Lord was leading us. She was beside my side, trying with everything that was within her to become what church people expected the preacher's wife to be. I believe that will be Sandy's crowning jewel in eternity. As for Kim and Kassie the transitions they had to make involved having to leave friends and schools when it came time to move again. And, while they made those moves somewhat reluctantly, they made them and survived and made new friends. That is one of the perks of spending time in ministry. Your family has friends and loved ones in so many different places.
Fifty years. So much is behind us now. If we had been left to ourselves to hold a marriage together that long we would have failed. Most couples would, and many do. However, we learned early on that our strength and our ability to build that marriage comes from our love for and our devotion to our Father God, and because of our relationship with our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
My advice to couples, young and older? Look at my statement just above. God, the Father, and our Lord, Jesus Christ, must be at the center of your union. Expect to have some bumpy times. Consider your mate above, and before, yourself.
We had no idea, or even an inkling of where our journey would take us or how long we would be together. But, we did take our vows seriously, without even a consideration of the possibility that we could, at any time we desired, call the whole thing off. We entered into the union, even at that young age, expecting our lives together to be "till death parts us."
As I reflect on our 50 years together, and observe the change in the minds of so many couples as they approach marriage, I perceive that the mindset in our culture today seems to be that nothing is permanent, not even a marriage covenant is binding for life.
Having officiated at many weddings over the years in ministry, I have observed what seems to be of most importance on the minds and hearts of many of the couples. Focus is on the wedding; the dress, the tuxes, the cake, the reception, the DJ, the flowers, the honeymoon, and a hundred other details to make the day perfect. With all the attention to all these details, I am sure I have never witnessed a wedding which went off perfectly as expected and planned.
Even during premarital counseling sessions, if left to themselves, most couples focus on the wedding as if that were the preview of the bliss on which they would ride through the years of their marriage.
As couples approach marriage, the wedding is important, but the determination to work toward making the marriage a life together which will honor God (Who, in fact, created and ordained marriage).
Some may say we shouldn't have to "work" to make our marriage what it ought to be. We should just let it happen. If we are meant to be together, all will be well. If not, then we end it and move on. But, in reality, does anything grow and gain strength and flourish without putting forth efforts to make it happen? No, it takes that concentrated effort on the part of both parties to see the marriage grow to the point where the husband and the wife have become one. This does not mean that each of them always agrees with the other. It doesn't mean that each cannot follow their own interests. It does mean that when there is disagreement, acceptance of the other's opinion and feelings is considered. It means that the couple, individually, looks to a solution which will strengthen the bond between them rather than allow that issue to become a point of argument periodically throughout the marriage.
Now, all that said, I do not intend to put forth the misconception that the marriage between Sandy and myself has been perfect, without flaw, without disagreement. But, I can tell you why we have remained as one for 50 years.
Most of the time we I think we were not truly aware that we were building a life together which would lead us to stronger bonds and love now, fifty years later, than we knew and experienced when we were young and though we could never experience any greater love. I believe we practiced respect for the other. I believe that whatever we set out to do, whether together or individually, we first considered how that action would affect the other.
By the way, regarding the harmony which has existed between Sandy and myself, she would say that the reason for that was that she got me young enough to train me the way she wanted me to be.
We have gone through many transitions in our years together. Career changes, they have been aplenty. First intention for me was to finish college and teach history. So, I began working in the accounting department of a major aluminum company. After nine years, I believed God was calling me to return to college to study in preparation to entering the ministry. So, at the age of 31, married (12 years by that time), parents of two young daughters of 10 and 4 years old, we sold our home and moved to Knoxville Tennessee so that I could begin my study. This was a huge transition for our family, but small in comparison to the actual move to begin to serve in a pastoral ministry with the churches. The transition was, of course, more difficult on Sandy and Kim and Kassie than on me.
After all, I was supposed to be there. God had called me, but they had to work harder to understand that and to accept this new life. Sandy didn't marry a preacher. She had no reason to believe her quiet, shy, slow to speak husband would ever find himself serving as a preacher, or that she would be expected to fill the role of preacher's wife. But, she had followed me every where I felt the Lord was leading us. She was beside my side, trying with everything that was within her to become what church people expected the preacher's wife to be. I believe that will be Sandy's crowning jewel in eternity. As for Kim and Kassie the transitions they had to make involved having to leave friends and schools when it came time to move again. And, while they made those moves somewhat reluctantly, they made them and survived and made new friends. That is one of the perks of spending time in ministry. Your family has friends and loved ones in so many different places.
Fifty years. So much is behind us now. If we had been left to ourselves to hold a marriage together that long we would have failed. Most couples would, and many do. However, we learned early on that our strength and our ability to build that marriage comes from our love for and our devotion to our Father God, and because of our relationship with our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
My advice to couples, young and older? Look at my statement just above. God, the Father, and our Lord, Jesus Christ, must be at the center of your union. Expect to have some bumpy times. Consider your mate above, and before, yourself.
Comments
Post a Comment